Post Soundtrack: Afterglow by Phaeleh
I am not enough. Whatever I attempt to do, it is always impacted by limitations and interference that leads back to my Lupus. It is a never-ending process which I have so little control over. I can even tell where a choice is my own fault or the fault of my Lupus. Did I choose not to Swiffer because I was feeling lazy, or because it would cause more pain, or would use energy I didn't have to spare? There is no clear cut answer, and no one to place blame on but myself.
I make those sorts of decisions on a continual basis, attempting to balance what I feel are my responsibilities with the very real necessity of taking care of myself. I am forced to constantly evaluate and re-evaluate my own motives, putting my decision-making under a private micriscope. No matter how small a choice, it gets examined closely and repeatedly. This process runs in the background of my mind, constantly and without end.
To know this is something there is no foreseeable end to is a crushing weight. I will always be behind, attempting to catch up with all that I feel I might have done, all I could or should have done. So I will never be enough. How can I, when all this doubt and guilt is hanging over me? I can't do this alone, but to seek help only highlights how broken and lesser I feel I have become, which makes my expectations of myself all the more insurmountable. I feel trapped in a cycle where my best hope is just to endure. That is a despairing and painful way to live.
