Tuesday, July 5, 2016

Not Enough

Post Soundtrack:  Afterglow by Phaeleh

I am not enough.  Whatever I attempt to do, it is always impacted by limitations and interference that leads back to my Lupus.  It is a never-ending process which I have so little control over.  I can even tell where a choice is my own fault or the fault of my Lupus.  Did I choose not to Swiffer because I was feeling lazy, or because it would cause more pain, or would use energy I didn't have to spare?  There is no clear cut answer, and no one to place blame on but myself.

I make those sorts of decisions on a continual basis, attempting to balance what I feel are my responsibilities with the very real necessity of taking care of myself.  I am forced to constantly evaluate and re-evaluate my own motives, putting my decision-making under a private micriscope.  No matter how small a choice, it gets examined closely and repeatedly.  This process runs in the background of my mind, constantly and without end.

To know this is something there is no foreseeable end to is a crushing weight.  I will always be behind, attempting to catch up with all that I feel I might have done, all I could or should have done.  So I will never be enough.  How can I, when all this doubt and guilt is hanging over me?  I can't do this alone, but to seek help only highlights how broken and lesser I feel I have become, which makes my expectations of myself all the more insurmountable.  I feel trapped in a cycle where my best hope is just to endure.  That is a despairing and painful way to live.