Post Soundtrack: Let Go (Sir Sly Remix) by RAC
Sometimes it's the big things. Sometimes it's the small things. But eventually, it gets you. The grief, the sorrow, the agony of spirit. It overwhelms almost everything else, swirls around you with currents you can't predict or deny but most certainly can feel as it swallows you whole. For a time, you can ignore it. The grief gets pushed to the back of your mind, you let normal (or as normal as you can manage) life drown it out. But as disease intrudes further, as it touches more of that normal life, as it slowly seeps into every aspect of daily life, and as it begins tearing away the things you love, it no longer is something you can ignore. It isn't something you can keep inside, no matter how hard you try.
It wells up from deep, making your heart feel heavy and giving lie to your smiles. You are probably adept by now at covering how you are really feeling, so maybe those near you can't tell how you are struggling emotionally. If you are very lucky, you have one or two people who know better, and can see it in your eyes, feel it in your touch, and instinctively reach to comfort you. But even then, you hold it back. You stifle the tears, refuse the sobs, bury the screams, strangle the wails. You automatically do this just as long as you can manage, carefully hedging in your pain and sorrow so that it won't contaminate your relationships, or taint those you love most.
But that never can last. Eventually, it must come out. It has to be released, or it will poison you. I know it is your instinct to hold it in, hold it close, but I can assure you, it won't work. To be healthy, to learn to accept and move on, you must at some point let it go. Open the floodgates. Find a way to express yourself, whatever works and hurts no one. Scream somewhere safe. Curl in a loved one's arms and cry it out. Take to brush or pencil to let it sprawl across the page. Find something to demolish and have at it with all your strength. Or pour it out with words for others to read and relate to.
Whatever your method, let it out. Let it go. Express it, let it wash through you, and spew out again so it can't hurt you anymore. Allow yourself these feelings, admit that you hate what disease has done to you, rage against what it has taken from you. Release every bit of it, so that you can lift beyond the cage disease has built around your heart and spirit. Let loose the weights so you can find the way to soar once more, rising above your limitations and boundaries. Let it wash you clean again, become an empty vessel, ready to fill with good things once more. Let go the fear, the anger, the pain, the sorrow, the futility, the sense of being trapped, so that you can find again your joy, your contentment, your peace, your love, your serenity.
Please. Let it go. You have helped me to let go. I hope I have helped you to let go too.