Wednesday, April 9, 2014

My Inner Demons

Post Soundtrack:  Demons by Imagine Dragons

For me, music is very important.  It is the blood of my daily life, the current that I can trace through my years.  Each part of my life has accompanying songs, due to repetition as well as how each snog connects to my emotions at the time.  This is why I've connected this blog with music so strongly.  My music often reflects my mood or reveals something about my deeper feelings.  The following are thoughts I wrote down some time ago concerning the song "Demons" by Imagine Dragons.  it still speaks very strongly to me, and probably always will.

While not all the lyrics click with me, certain portions express ideas that resonate very deeply with me right now.  Here are the pertinent portions and their meanings to me.

"I want to hide the truth
I want to shelter you
But with the beast inside
There's nowhere we can hide"

This section has several personal truths in it.  Most acutely, I wish I could hide my pain from my friends and family, both the physical pain as well as the emotional pain.  I'd rather spare the the shared hurt, if I could.  I would rather my son not have to flinch from touching me sometimes out of fear of hurting me.  It cuts me to know that I'm not the only one who has to deal with Lupus.  My family does too, no matter how much I might wish it otherwise.

The use of the word "beast" amuses me.  I have played World of Warcraft for years now, and I am known there as Beast or Beastie.  However, it also applies very well to describing my Lupus, which is contained inside of me, impossible to escape.  It is a creature of violence, a thing of cruelty, without a face to scream at or a being to blame.  I can't run, I can't hide, for it is always with me.

"When you feel my heat
Look into my eyes
It's where my demons hide
It's where my demons hide
Don't get too close
It's dark inside
It's where my demons hide
It's where my demons hide"

This particularly strikes a chord with me, as heat is often what I feel when my hands are hurting.  Sometimes other joints seem to get hot as well, but it is most notable in my hands.  It can be so marked that even others can feel that the backs of my hands, along my knuckles, is significantly warmer than it should be.  Also applicable now is the heat from my malar rash, warming my cheeks and making them pink.

Although I try to hide it much of the time, when I am truly in pain, I'm relatively certain that anyone paying attention can see it in my eyes.  For me, my demons are not the darker, uglier part of myself.  My demons are my pain and fear and despair that plague me.  Those feelings run much deeper than even those who know me well understand.  I don't believe they are prepared to deal with just how strong and fierce those feelings can get sometimes.  I have felt the desire to warn them away from seeking too closely to find out how I'm doing.  They aren't prepared for me to unload my distresses, worries, anger, frustrations, etc., on them.  I'm learning better as time passes how to put up friendly shields, how to answer honestly that I'm okay, or alright, without going into details or burdening them with too much of the truth.  I know they'd rather not deal with my demons.  Even I don't want to deal with them, so it's understandable and entirely forgivable.

"Don't want to let you down
Though I am hell bound
Though this is all for you
Don't want to hide the truth"

Much of my enduring is for the sake of my family.  I hang on for my husband, for my son.  Without them I fear that I'd have given up before now.  I strive to overcome because I don't want to drag them down too when it becomes too much.  At the same time, though, I don't want to hide myself from them.  I rely upon my connection with both of them to help keep me sane and hopeful, to help see my way through.  I've tried once or twice to hide my pain, unhappiness, and despair from my husband.  It never works, and often makes things worse.  I've learned that I have to share it all, even the parts that are difficult to admit, both to benefit myself and my family.  It helps me to stay strong, and it helps us as a family remain a coherent, united whole.

"Your eyes, they shine so bright
I want to save their light
I can't escape this now
Unless you show me how"

My husband and my son both bring light into the darkness I find myself in.  I may not be able to escape the Lupus entirely, but through their love and efforts I don't have to be lost in the pain and fear.  I have their encouragement, their love, their daily joys and sorrows to remind me what life is about, what is worth living for.  It draws me away from the more morbid thoughts on living with Lupus.  Their help, their sheer existence, is something I simply cannot live without now.  (As if I ever could have before all this!)

So those are the bits of the song that chime with me, resonating with my darker feelings, but also addressing my hopes and helps.  There are days when this song circles around in my head, the words and notes entwining with my emotions and thoughts.  Sometimes I cry to it, sometimes I sing defiantly with it, and sometimes I just listen.  It depends on my mood, my state of mind, and on h ow much I have been hurting that day.  In its own way, it brings me a small measure of comfort and peace to let some of those feelings out in such a safe way.

It isn't just a song to me.  It is an outlet, an expression, a way to gain strength and a way to seek comfort.  There are many such songs, some with lyrics and some without.  I'll share them as time goes on.  For now, my demons are quieting in the face of blogging.  Perhaps this too will help me find a measure of peace.

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